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RAMBLINGS

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FROM BITS AND PIECES GATHERED FROM HERE AND THERE

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WHICH HAVE EITHER PIQUED MY INTEREST OR TICKLED MY FANCY.

Visitors since March 9, 2006  

Most of what is in this collection has been gleaned from a variety of sources.  It would be impossible to give credit to the originators since they were collected over a period of 50 years with no intention to publish.  My apologies if I have infringed upon any copyrights.  

This is a RANDOM selection of things.  One way to enjoy this site is to just skim and read what pleases you.  For those of you who need some organization here is a partial index .

<><>Let The Ramblings Begin<><>

Lives of great men all remind us

            We can live a life sublime;

And departing leave behind us

            Footsteps in the sands of time. (Longfellow)

_______________________________________________

The clock of life is wound but once

            And no one has the power,

To tell just when the hands will stop

            On what day -- or what hour.

Now is the only time you have

            So live it with a will,

Don't wait until tomorrow

            The hands may then be still.

________________________________________________

It's not my place to run the train

            The whistle I can't blow,

It's not my place for me to say

            How far the train's allowed to go.

It's not my place to blow off steam

            Nor even clang the bell,

But let the darn thing jump the track

            And see who catches hell !

________________________________________________

When you get to heaven

            You will likely view,

Many folks who's presence there

            Will be a shock to you.

Do not be surprised

            Do not even stare,

Doubtless there'll be many folks

            Surprised to see you there.

_________________________________________________

How bitter my cup

            How deep my frown --

When each month I pay up

            What I didn't pay down.

_________________________________________________

Dry your eyes and weep no more

            I am not dead - but gone before.

Remember me and bear in mind

            You may not have long to stay behind.

________________________________________________

Just beyond the waves of Jordan

            Just beyond their chilling tide;

Blooms the tree of life eternal

            And the living waters glide.

In that happy land of spirits

            Flowers bloom on hills of gold;

And the angels are awaiting

            Where the pearly gates unfold.

_________________________________________________

The difficult age -- has come and lit

            I'm too tired to work -- and too poor to quit.

_________________________________________________

I get along with my arthritis

            My bifocals fit me fine,

I don't even miss my dentures

            But by gosh- I miss my mind.

_________________________________________________

Of recent times it seems

            I have reached that awkward age,

When people who look old

            Are merely only my age!

__________________________________________________

Poems are written -- by fools like me

            But only God -- can make a tree.

__________________________________________________

He wrecked his car

            He lost his job,

And yet throughout his life

            He took his troubles like a man --

He blamed them on his wife!

When earth's last picture is painted

            and the tubes all twisted and dried-

And the oldest colour has faded

            and the youngest critic has died-

We shall rest and faith we shall need it

            lie down for an eon or two-

Till the master of all good workmen

            shall put us to work anew.

_________________________________________________

Within this age of toil and sin

            Your head goes bald -- but not your chin.

__________________________________________________

ABOUT MARRIAGE

A wedding is an event -- but a marriage is an achievement.

Marriage is like a telephone call -- first you get a ring -- and then you wake up.

Marriages are made in heaven -- but then so is thunder and lightning.

A happy marriage is when a couple are as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Marriages should be built with union labour.

Marriage is like a traffic jam -- a good deal easier to get into than out of.

Marriage is societies way of showing us that we are not perfect.

A woman who has never seen her husband fishing -- does not know what a patient man she has married.

LAWS AND TRUISMS

The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.

Be like a kettle -- Sing while you boil.

Zimmerman's Law --Nobody notices when things go right.

Murphy's Law -- Left to themselves -- all things go from bad to worse.

Kelly's Law -- An executive will always return from lunch early -- if no one takes him.

To err is human -- to forgive divine -- to forget impossible.

Sound off when you are angry -- and you will give the best speech you will ever regret.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Fortune smiles on the bold -- and frowns on the timid.

Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings. Only one thing is endures, and that is character.

CHILDREN

As the man pulled the young boy from a hole in the frozen river he asked -"How did you come to fall in?" "I didn't come to fall in" the boy gasped, " I came to skate."

A friend of mine who has raised five children says that for the first twelve years she fought to get the kids into bed --  for the next twelve years she fought to get them out of  bed -- and for the next  twelve years she hoped they were in their own bed.

The modern home is where a switch regulates everything except the children.

Children may be the future of our country -- but old age is our future!

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.

Reasoning with your children should give you a pretty good reason why you shouldn't have tried.

A child who is eager to mow the lawn --  is usually too young to do it.

Children are a great comfort to you in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster too.

If you have any advice to pass on to your children, give it to them while they are still young enough to think you know what you are talking about.

"Do you thank God before you go to sleep every night?" asked the minister of the small boy. "Oh no" he said, "My mother says it for me." She says "Thank God you are in bed!"

Children seldom misquote you -- in fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

     
Father says to his young son-"Now son, aren't you glad you prayed for a young sister?" The son  looking at the new twin girls said -"Yes, and aren't you glad I stopped praying when I did?"

Insanity is hereditary -- you can get it from your children.

The only thing worse than having sick kids when you are well -- is having well kids when you are sick.

Mother to shoe clerk -"Sure, they might as well wear them home -- while they still fit.

Few things fortify our belief in heredity as much as becoming a grandparent.

One thing that kids save for a rainy day -- is lots of energy.

If you want a child to listen -- speak softly to someone else.

Parents who think kids are a 50-50 proposition -- don't understand two things -- kids or fractions.

"I want my hair cut just like my Daddy's" said the little boy to the barber -"put a hole in the top."

Lets face it -- there's only one perfect child in the world -- and every mother has it.

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Adam was the only man in the world who, when he said a good thing, knew that no one had said it before him.

Golf is no longer a poor man's game -- there are thousands of poor players.

Segals law -A man with one watch always knows what time it is -- a man with two watches is never sure.

A man who is polite always listens intently to things he knows everything about when it is being told to him by someone who knows nothing about them.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife -- you can be sure either his car or his wife is new.

The moment a woman stops liking all men in general and starts liking one man in particular -- she is in trouble -- and so is he.

Oscar Wilde says "Getting older is when you would rather not have a good time -- than having to get over it."

The man who admits he has a lot to learn -- has already learned a lot.

A bachelor is a man who doesn't have much help in discovering his faults.

Some husbands can do no wrong -- they wouldn't dare!

Music is the speech of Angels!

The piece of their mind that some people give you -- makes you wonder if they have any left.

To find out how unreasonable some people can be -- just tell them you will accept any reasonable offer.

My car and I have the same bad habits -- we both drink -- we both smoke -- and we both are hard to get started in the morning.

Too bad that all people who know how to run the country -- are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

People will gamble on anything --  many of them are saving money on the chance that it may be valuable someday.

One executive says to another -"Well no, I wouldn't say he was conceited, but he is absolutely convinced that if he had never been born -- people would want to know why!"

After reading the stock reports the man turned to his wife and said sadly-"Do you remember that stock I was going to retire on when I became 55?" -- "well my retirement age is now 150."

Len said-"You are back in town again -- I thought you were a farmer." Bill replied-"You made the same mistake that I did."

Dwight D. Eisenhower says-"Science seems ready to confer on us as it's final gift -- the power to erase human life from this planet."

Douglas MacArthur says-"We have had our last chance. If we will not devise some greater and more equitable system, Armageddon will be at our door. The problem basically involves -- the improvement of human character."

Chairman Mao says-"Those who drink the water should remember those who dug the well."

To be seventy years young is often more cheerful than to be forty years old.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Tact = is telling a woman that every time you look at her time stands still. Lack of tact is telling her that she has a face that will stop a clock.

Parking places are hard to find = look how many people who found them before you did.

We have all experienced one of those moments when we have a premonition that the worst is about to happen -- like that instant when the barking dog which never bites --stops barking!

My friend shoots golf in the 70's-- if it gets any colder he quits.

A good sermon is one that leaves you wondering how the preacher knew all about you.

Knowledge, Experience, and Personal Skills ARE THE ONLY TREASURES IN LIFE THAT CANNOT BE STOLEN FROM YOU!!!

There is only one good thing about an egotist -- he never goes around talking about other people.

Love your enemies-- without them you'd probably have no one to blame but yourself.

In spite of inflation -- you can still get a good argument by putting in your two cents.

If there was any justice in the world -- we'd be allowed to fly over the pigeons occasionally.

It's exasperating that the taxes we pay maintain a system that accomplishes nothing efficiently -- except collecting taxes!

Prejudices run so deep in some people that they won't even listen to both sides of a phonograph record.

Don't knock the weather-- if it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't even start a conversation.

Experience is the thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you have made it again.

"The college I went to turned out some great men" the bar-hog bragged."When did you graduate?" asked another man. "Well, I didn't exactly graduate" he replied--"I was turned out!"

Few things give a person more leisure time than being punctual.

Mark Twain once debated the question of polygamy with a Mormon friend. The discussion became heated and the Mormon asked "Can you tell me a single passage from the Bible which forbids polygamy?" "Certainly" Twain replied, "No man can serve two masters!"

By the time one finds out what a drip he has been, it is too late to fix the faucet.

What this country needs is a good five cent cup of coffee for less than 90 cents.

The trouble with doing a thing right the first time -- is that nobody will appreciate how difficult it was.

Always tell the truth --maybe you may make a hole in one  when you are all alone on the golf course someday.

You've reached middle age when the morning after lasts all day.

Another thing they don't make like they used to -- is people who can fix them like they used to.

Unfortunately, the one thing most of us remember too well -- is what we forgive and forget.

Ever notice how your plans to lose weight - always runs into a snack?

You never know what kind of a mind a person has, until they give you a piece of it.

Being an optimist these days is likely to make people think that you are not very well informed. 

In spite of jets, missiles, and such -- the research and development experts have yet to invent something that goes faster than a one week vacation.

"I had a miserable day yesterday" said the worried business man -- "everything went right and it made me nervous."

A politician is a person who approaches every subject with an open mouth.

If you don't think the dead never come back to life -- you should be here at quitting time!

A cynic is one who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.(Oscar Wilde)

You know when you are getting old when your pacemaker opens the garage door when a pretty girl goes by.

As difficult as nailing a piece of jelly to the wall.

Frustration is when you work yourself to the top of the ladder in life -- and then find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

 The trouble with experience is that it is always teaching something you didn't want to know.

The age of puberty is when your son stops asking where he came from, and refuses to tell you where he is going.

A loser is someone whose dreams never come true -- but whose nightmares do.

And then there's the old joke about capitalism being a system in which man exploits man, whereas under socialism the reverse is the case.

It took movies only 50 years to go from silent to unspeakable.

One way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

I'll spend no time moaning

            About things I cannot do.

Although I may be over the hill

            I can still admire the view.

Someday we may all learn that money is not everything, but it is important that we remember that the easier it is to get and the less we do to earn it, the less it is worth.

One of the nice things about inflation is that your kids no longer can get sick on a five cent bag of candy.

Life is just a symphony of snap, crackle, and pop -- when you are young it is cereal -- when you are older it is your joints.

North America are countries infested with dictators -- and all of them are under six years of age.

Inflation is prosperity with high blood pressure.

The trouble with taking a middle-of-the road position-- is that you're likely to get run over from either direction.

"I thought you were going to visit your red-haired friend at her apartment tonight""I did" he replied."How come you are home so early?" he was asked. He replied "Well, we had dinner, and talked awhile, and then she turned out the lights"."And so you left?" he was asked. "Sure" he said -- "I can take a hint."

A pessimist is a person who says things were bad in the past, things are still bad, and things will always be bad. An optimist says that things were bad in the past, are still bad, but nothing can be worse than this.(A Russian Proverb)

So now we have rampant inflation, record unemployment, high interest rates and a recession?--That's why they keep shuffling the cabinet in Ottawa-- like babies in diapers, they should never have to sit in their own mess too long.

What makes the problems of middle age so difficult is that children and their grandparents have all the answers.

The lesson of life, I suppose, is that happiness is fragile, and it's not always the other guy's that breaks. Hug your kids and fill their stockings, but remember the ones that are empty.

Just like the story of the pugilist's manager telling him that the opponent hasn't laid a glove on him. The battered pug replied -" Then keep an eye on the referee--Somebody is sure beating the hell out of me."

A man was asked "How did you come out in that fight with your wife last night."  "Well" he said- "She came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" he was asked?"--She said-"Come out from under that bed, you coward."

As long as they have final examinations -- there will be prayers in schools.

One third of the food we eat will keep us alive -- and the other two thirds will keep our doctors alive.

Americans are not as political as Canadians -- in the Iowa primary only 10% of people voted, --in the Quebec referendum 120%  of people voted.

We also had a revolution -- In 1837 Canada had the Farmer's Revolution -- It was so short that we had no time to write a song, or shoot rockets, or anything like that -- but some farmers did get bombed.

It is funny thing about life -- if you refuse to accept anything but the very best, you very often get it.(Somerset Maugham)

Time has a wonderful way of weeding out the trivial.

It is always the season for people to learn.(Aeschylus)

Christmas is really getting commercialized --Nowadays the only time you hear someone mention God during the festive season is when they stick their finger in a live Christmas light socket.

How do you get rid of a headache --sleep with your head resting on a railway track.

How to lose weight permanently -- swim in shark infested waters.

It is better to fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed, than to succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.

Some Church members and all politicians are like deep sea divers -- encased in suits designed for many fathoms deep, marching bravely out to remove the plugs in a bath tub.

All too often people aim at nothing in life -- and achieve it!

Looking over a platoon of new recruits for his army, the Duke of Wellington remarked "I don't know what effect they will have on the enemy -- but by thunder -- they scare the Hell out of me!"

Robert F.Kennedy writes- "A society that cannot help the many who are poor cannot save the few that are rich."

Caligula writes: Here is what frightens me, to lose one's life is a little thing -- and I will have the courage when necessary; but to see the sense of life dissipated, to see our existence disappear, = that is intolerable. "A PERSON CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MEANING!"

H.Van Dyke says: Every task however simple -- Sets the soul that does it free.

Gasoline and alcohol make a dangerous mixture -- but not nearly so dangerous as politicians and paper  money.

We do not see the vital point

            That it is the eighth most deadly sin

To wail - The world is out of joint

            And not attempt to put it in.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool -- Than to open it and remove all doubt.

The only people who work overtime are the self employed.

Worry is like a rocking chair -- it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

You are getting middle aged when your weight lifting consists of getting up out of the chair.

He is the very responsible type --i.e. when anything goes wrong, he is responsible.

Often in life you are judged by your misdeeds, rather than your deeds.

So you think you have trouble? -- What about the fellow who moved to a new town - and got run over by the welcome wagon!

Happiness is like manure -- you need to spread it around.

Silver threads among the gold -- are better than no hair at all!

Confessions may be good for the soul -- but they are bad for the reputation.

There is the story of the eccentric financial mandarin wandering around parliament hill with a duck under his arm. An irate taxpayer accosted him asking "What are doing with that jackass?" "That is no jackass, stupid" said the mandarin- "It's a duck". The taxpayer replied "I wasn't talking to you -- I was talking to the duck!"

The only man that got his work done by Friday -- was Robinson Crusoe.

Incentive - is when your boss says "Do this and I will raise your salary"-- Motivation is when your boss says "do this - or you are fired!"

I wouldn't say my ? /? is a failure -- it is only that he/she/?? was willing to start at the bottom, and stayed there.

Science and technology are moving ahead at leaps and bounds. Now they are only about twenty years behind the comic books.

The fire you kindle for your enemy often burns yourself more than it does him.

A man can tell when he has reached middle age because that's when he begins considering a hat a fringe benefit.

An old farm hand gave his occupation as "pilot". "I pile it here, and I pile it there" he explained.

Father: "Can you give my daughter the luxuries to which she has been accustomed?" The young man replied "Not much longer -- that's why I want to get married."

God made the rivers

            God made the lakes

God made man

            Well, we can all make mistakes.

If sex is #1 and money is #2 == What is 3 & 4? Why, 7 of course.

"Hey- I just burned a hundred dollar bill" said one. "Wow" said the other, you must be rich!" "No" said the other - "but it is much easier to burn them than to pay them."

"You weren't supposed to give away our secret" said one.  "I didn't" replied the other.  "I just traded it for another."

General Custer was the first man to wear an Arrow shirt.

They say some things are worth waiting for. Well, that joke wasn't one of them.

Golf is like sex -- when it's good it's terrific --when it's bad it's still pretty good.

All arguments have two sides -- but some have no ends.

New public buildings, or many major events are not important --plumbing is.

The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.

We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to sermons.

Politicians are like polkas -- they have different names but they all sound alike.

Santanya says "Life is not a spectacle nor a feast --it is a predicament!"

My friend is a magician -- He walked down the street yesterday -- and turned into a drug store.

It is o.k. to drink like a fish --as long as you drink the same thing.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

I'm flexible -- I only open my mouth to change feet.

If his mind didn't wander -- he would not get any exercise at all.

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night.

He doesn't exaggerate -- let's say he always tells the truth, but adjusts it for inflation.

Man is the only animal in the world that can get skinned more than once.

How to confuse an Irishman/etc -- lean three shovels against a wall and then say "Take your pick."

Teacher asks a little boy --"Do you know where God is?" "Of course" he replied "He is in the bathroom". "How do you know that" the teacher asks. "Because every time my Dad wants to go there he always says -- My God, are you still in there" was the reply.

When in danger -- when in doubt -- run in circles -- scream and shout.

When a man is wrong and won't admit it -- he always gets angry.(Sam Slick)

It is certain that there is no such thing as a bad boy-- but it is equally certain that there are some boys out there that aren't as good as they could be.

When criticism doesn't annoy you, it's probably your own.

There are just as many fairy tale writers around as in the days of the Brothers Grimm -- it's just that now they're all employed writing real estate ads.

No time is perfect. There was time when you could get all the on street parking you wanted, but you couldn't get a seat on the street car.

An optimist is someone who will marry his secretary thinking he will still be able to dictate to her.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

A man who can smile when things go wrong -- has found someone to blame it on.

Anyone who thinks business people have lost their ingenuity haven't seen some of the inventiveness used by some authors of their expense accounts.

Anybody who calls a rose by any other name is probably pruning them.

The good old days are a result of a bad old imagination.

Many a man laughs at a woman putting on makeup, then spends ten minutes trying to make three hairs look like six.

The average person has five senses- touch, taste, sight, smell and sound. The successful person has two more- horse and common.

By the time we get old enough not to care what anybody says about us -- nobody says anything.

Hard work never hurt you. Unless, of course, you're paying to have it done.

Errors of enthusiasm are often preferable to the indifference of wisdom.

The longer a man is wrong, the surer he is that he's right.

A cynic is one that if you agree with him spends the next two days trying to figure out what he said wrong.

The mind is a wonderful thing. It starts to work the minute you are born and never stops until you get up to speak in public.

A cynic is one who wants to know why Noah didn't swat those two flies when he had the chance.

You know you're getting older when:::::::

--Your knees buckle ... and your belt won't.

--The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

--Dialing long distance wears you out.

--You sink your teeth into a nice steak... and they stay there.

Some of our governments see their constituents as somewhat smarter than a rock, but not as smart as a radish.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is virtually indistinguishable from magic.

Man is a luxury loving animal. His greatest exertions are made in pursuit, not of necessities, but of superfluities.

What will today's generation tell their children they had to do without?

When you get paid for a mistake, you're probably getting alimony.

The problem with a lot of the new medical treatments is that they have side effects -- like bankruptcy.

The farmer and his dog went in to see the rural bank manager for a loan. The bank manager refused to give him the loan and a heated argument took place. The dog got excited and finally ran around the desk and bit the manager in the leg. Then he jumped over the counter and bit a customer in the leg. The manager said "I can understand the dog biting me, but why would he also bite an innocent customer?" The farmer replied --"Well, that was so he could get the bad taste out of his mouth."

A ne'er do well came in every monday morning to ask the bank manager for a $50 loan and each time the manager always refused. Finally tired of him coming in so often the manager said -"I have a glass eye, and if you can guess which one it is I will give you the loan." The fellow replied "That is easy -- it is the left eye." The manager replied "That is right -- how did you guess it so quickly?" "Well" said the man --"it was the one that showed some sympathy!"

Our heritage from our ancestors is the spiritual treasures from which we draw all our inspirations.

A born loser -- is the guy who had the sandcastle contest clinched and then the tide came in.

In this world everything must be earned and paid for. Any "free pie in the sky" can turn out to be lemon --sour and expensive.

Be careful of the words you say

            Keep them soft and sweet,

You never know from day to day

            Which ones you'll have to eat.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

The man says "I didn't want to marry her for her money -- but it was the only way I could get it."

Some say men may be more intelligent than women --but you never see a woman marrying a dumb man because of his shape.

Age is like underwear -- it creeps up on you!

There is little danger in our government being overthrown, there is too much of it.

Woman at her doctor with Bursitis = The doctor asked "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" "No" she replied "I let him sleep in."

The only way some people can make ends meet these days is to rhumba on a crowded dance floor.

Often a beauty parlor is a place where the gossip alone is enough to curl your hair.

In this modern topsy-turvy world, it is now the custom to go out to dinner and stay at home to watch a movie.

More people now depend on the government than once supported it..

A procrastinator is one who puts off till tomorrow things he has already put off till today.

Eric Hofer says: "It is easier to love humanity as a whole than it is to love one's neighbor."

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he make a hole in one.

The lawyer told his friend - "I am now engaged in the dairy business." His friend showed surprise so the lawyer replied "It is a fact -- at present I am milking an estate."

A woman was asked if her husband was careless of his appearance. "Yes" she said " He stepped out for a walk a year ago and hasn't appeared since."

As long as people earned what they were paid - paid their bills - demanded others do the same - saved for their own security - produced more for more wages - then the dollar was impregnable because of character behind it. When the greedy get something for nothing, then character is gone and the currency with it.

What is the difference between a recession and a depression ? In a recession we bring home $25 a week instead of $50. In a depression we remember how good we had it when we brought home $25.

The employment manager told the applicant that there was a job open in Florida and asked "Can you pick lemons?" "I sure can" the man replied-"I have been married three times."

We all enter this world equal -- and leave it the same way.

R.F.K.? says "Whom the gods wish to destroy - they first render insane."

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

Crime will not decrease until becoming a criminal becomes more dangerous than being a victim.

"Chutzpah" -- That is a man who kills his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

An easy way to solve a problem - Turn it over to the government -- but the government is run by the civil service , and they are run by no one.

There is no saint without a past -- and no sinner without a future.

Why is it that extremely wealthy men always seem to be so unhappy?--because the weight of their wallets keep pulling their pants down.

I'd rather be ashes than dust. I would rather have my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor than a sleepy and perservering planet.The proper function of man or woman is to live - not merely exist. (Jack London)

The real problem with your leisure  is how to keep other people from using it.

Science is wonderful -- It couldn't pry open the Pullman windows on the trains, so it invented air-conditioning.

Most people have some sort of religion -- at least they know what church they are staying away from.(John Irving)

Little boy said to the little girl while they were looking at the bathroom scale - "I don't know what this thing is -- but every morning my mother stands on it, looks at it and then cries."

Go to Egypt - take up a study of archaeology -- and then find a career in ruins.

Two pigeons were flying over a large stadium. One said "Look at all those people down there - you could hardly miss." The other said sadly "Yes, but it takes all the skill out of it."

 A young son asked his father "What is the difference between a statesman and a politician? The father replied- "A statesman wants to do something for his country. A politician wants his country to do something for him."

"I've got a job at last, Dad," the young boy told his father, "it's a new play and I got the part of the man who has been married for twenty years." "Splendid" the father replied--"That's a start anyway-maybe one of these days they'll give you a speaking part."

First Banker "You say you're looking for a cashier? I thought you hired one last week." Second Banker "I did. That's the one I'm looking for."

Mrs Johnson was asked-"Who was it that broke your window?" She replied "It was my husband -- he ducked!"

The patient asked " I suppose the operation will be dangerous, doctor?"-"Nonsense" he replied -"you couldn't buy a dangerous operation for forty dollars."

Everything was set for the wedding ceremony, but the groom looked bothered. "What's the matter?" whispered the best man. "Don't tell me you've lost the ring?" "No" he replied -- "but I have lost my wild enthusiasm."

Doctor (after examining patient) "I don't like the looks of your husband, Mrs. Brown.""Neither do I, Doctor" replied Mrs.Brown, "but he is good to the children."

Judge --"What ever possessed you to strike your wife?" Defendant -- "Well, she had her back to me. She was bending over. The broom was handy, and the backdoor was open, so I thought I'd take the chance."

Uncle Oinsley say's this is a man's world. When a man is born people ask "How is the mother?" When he marries they exclaim, "What a lovely bride!" And when he dies they enquire "How much did he leave her?"

"I didn't see you in church last Sunday" the friend said. "I know you didn't" was the reply-" I took up the collection."

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Restless youngster at (3 a.m.) "Mommy, tell me a story." The mother replied "Hush dear, Daddy will be home soon and he will tell us both one."

No man has greater faith than the bare headed individual who buys his hair restorer from a bald headed druggist.

The perfect gift for a bald headed man -- A comb -- he can't part with it.

The rarest of all human beings is a happy well adjusted millionaire.

Anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind. (Robert G.Ingersoll)

"Does your husband always live up to his promises of his courtship days?" she was asked.

"Always" she replied "In those days he said he was not good enough for me, and he has been proving it ever since."

"Just think of it!" exclaimed the romantic young newlywed, "a few words mumbled over your head and you're married."- "Yes" agreed an old cynic "and a few words mumbled in your sleep and you're divorced."

Diplomacy is the art of saying things in such a way that nobody knows exactly what you mean.

Possibly man could live twice as long if he didn't spend the first half of his life acquiring habits that shorten the other half.

An American league umpire on ump's minor league wages says -- "If you're not married , you're lucky. If you're married and your wife works, you're also lucky."

One sports columnist wrote "Some people won't listen to their consciences because they dislike taking advice from a perfect stranger."

If you're give a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older the money will become your sex appeal.

I'm madder than a carpenter ant in a sheet metal shop-- you know what I mean - you wood if you could but you canned.

I'm madder than a beaver in a petrified forest - you know what I mean --life's a dam site harder than it should be.

I'm madder than a mountaineer in Moose Jaw -you know what I mean -- this bald headed prairie is driving him up the wall.

The "Fly Swatter Magazine" says -"A single fly in April will produce seven billion flies by September. Just think what a married fly could do!"

In his hospital room Oscar Wilde just before he died said-"This wallpaper is killing me -- one of us has to go."

Love is temporary insanity, cured only by marriage.

Age makes wine worth more and people worth less.

Age is mostly a matter of mind over matter--if you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Be nice to people until you make a million. After that they will be nice to you.

The trouble with good advice is that it interferes with what you want to do.

People who like sausage and respect the law - should never watch either of them being made.

Some people cannot even cross the room without tripping on their tongue.

Or there was the man whose entire library burned one night. There were two books in it and one he hadn't yet finished colouring.

The only trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.

The price people pay for not concerning themselves with politics is to be governed by people worse than themselves. (Plato)

There  nowhere exists a power which does not seek to increase itself.--(A universal law)

The Koran -sura 76 --Does there not pass over man a space of time when his life is blank?

In Africa a witch doctor has a cure for baldness -- he shrinks your head to match the hair you have left.

He has a one track mind -- and the traffic on it is not very heavy.

He is the kind of guy that makes you wish birth control was retroactive.

Parkinson's third law is defined as "expansion means complexity - and complexity decay."

Bumper sticker says - "Read the Bible -- it will scare the "hell" ou